I’ve done extensive research on this topic over the last 40 years or so, and although my woman n is small, my man is notably larger. This is true both for number of participants and number of events per participant.

The conclusion my research points to is this: The wrong kind of orgasm is the kind where one person rubs themselves to happiness and is done. They walk away thinking, “I’ve had their fun, in the right way, and if the other person didn’t, perhaps there is something wrong with them.”

One of my research subjects, a boyfriend from an early, unempowered time in my life, used to like to tell me stories about other women he’d slept with. Often, the stories had lines like: “She was a chain smoker and smelled like cigarettes everywhere. I mean everywhere.” Other times, these were comparison stories, in which I my experience was put into the context of someone else who was better at sex. Better, that is, at having automatic orgasms. Orgasms that didn’t involve anything other than a magical penis. Sometimes these women resembled me, but they took a positive turn in another direction that made them a much better partner than I was.

That is, a partner who didn’t make the subject WORK.

It took me longer than you might think to get rid of this subject. After all, he was having plenty of the right kind of orgasms. What was my problem?

Many years later, I came to a conclusion in my research that extends far beyond my sex life into my work life. Simply put, “good sex” means that participants enjoy their contact and experience, and that mutually pleasing each other creates a positive feedback loop. (To apply this to work, I like to tell my writing clients that if we are both having fun working together, then we’re doing it right, rubbing up against each other in a way that is mutually pleasurable. Besides the good I can do for others and the compensation they provide me, that is the most important factor.)

The right kind of orgasm is the one that occurs.